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Comment by Merge By on July 20, 2010 at 2:15pm

For many years I use to be angry with my father. We lived in the same household until I was 18, I don't remember us having a conversation. I always regarded him as being mean. In reality he was just quiet, he comes home from work, he bathe, and a big hot plate of food was waiting for him, courtesy of my mother. She cooked cleaned, did everything. He would watch a show or two then hit the bed, and 5am did it again. His infidelity caused me to look at him in a not so good light. When I became a man, that look faded. It's more understanding why. My mother is the best person but, he was missing something that he needed and someone else was willing to give. I'm not saying it's right, but I'm saying I understand it and I can't be mad at him. Yes he could of ended it but why would he want to give up all that my mother was giving. It's almost like a drug, he needed that one fix. I know people like to say don't blame the women, or victim. But don't blame him for needing that fix. I can help to have some type of empathy for cheater #2 because as righteous as we may be now, it could happen to us to you, even you, Ms. Devil's Advocate :)

Comment by Amexus on July 20, 2010 at 7:13am

I think Merge has presented a solid set of comparisons and analogies regarding the sex offenders and cheaters respectively. In the matter of the sex offenders, there are actually technical/clinical terminologies associated with the "types" of sex offenders. Unfortunately, in the "age of ignorance" we all live in right now, the media and law enforcement devised a seriously easy package to deliver en masse to society.

The over-generalization of the term causes people to predictably react when the words/title is mentioned. If the story read: "high-school senior jailed for having consensual sex with high-school sophomore..." The public reaction would not garner community anger nor support and advocate for a lazy-ass judicial system.

Back to the point your post is addressing... There is only one type of cheater. I totally agree with the dynamics Merge presented and demonstrated in a later comment. However, those dynamics are all inclusive to the one type. Simply put, a cheater with remorse or not can not be categorized separately unless there is a true clinical/psychological explanation to quantify such exception(s). I'll attempt to quantify this below.

Cheaters make the decision of their actions based upon the usual suspects mentioned by Sophie Heng. Thrill, gratification and emotional compensation(s). From my experience(s) on both sides of this spectrum, the why's attributed to the violator are most important in considering how cheating occurs.

Cheaters are generally lacking in understanding of themselves. It's an ignorance of the persons own character, confidence, loyalty, respect, structure and integrity. The shortcomings regarding honesty, with themselves and about themselves; are often the catalyst of cheating. It's a reward that is self-granted because the cheater doesn't feel rewarded or given rewards as expected.

Yes, it is a bad decision as Merge mentioned. Unfortunately, when cheating it's trading one bad decision for another. The victim of the cheating obviously sees/thinks/feels the cheater, believes/thinks/feels they made a bad decision by choosing to enter a relationship. Often this is the case. A guy for example commits to a woman. After a short time/long time the guy realizes she is not what he wants. Goes elsewhere to "find" what he wants. Sadly, the guy is too cowardly/fearful to speak directly to/with the woman and state this.

A combination of fear, guilt and irresponsibility causes the cheater to try and keep the one being cheated on. Amazingly, the self-rewarder typically relies upon the true rewards given by others to fuel their self-awarding behavior. Because if she leaves, there is no foothold/base for the offender to "gauge" when/why to seek another "self-reward". With the unwitting enabler gone, the cheater has to look at their own SELF. This scares them. Confuses them. Accountability is the reason the pain of a cheater is masked by denial, guilt, lies and even depression.

As a man, being a cheater provides an escape from the lack of understanding, education and societal expectations of character. Those 3 descriptors are relevant to a persons SELF. Not understanding of the world, education of academics. Nor exceptions of society from a conformist position either. People who are clueless to who/what they are are always malleable and morphing. They are unable to BE.

There are men and women that have other "associates" and do not enter relationships with commitments. They date, f**k, and flirt with who/when/where they want to. What separates them from cheaters is their honesty. Their integrity leads them. They don't lie about commitment and monogamy to the person of interest. There is no need to use deceit and lies when prudent self-awareness/understanding is involved. Those people know that it would be a bad choice to commit and promise monogamy to another. So, they don't. There is no need because there is not a lacking of SELF understanding. Now, that type of person is debatable and another subject. Not bad nor good in my opinion. Just debatable.

Cheaters are not cool, fly, fresh or whatever else can be used to as a title to mask enabling. I'm far from a hater and would never really involve myself in telling a cheater how to run their lives either. I don't judge but I do observe.

Comment by Merge By on July 19, 2010 at 11:40pm

I plead insanity.... If I was perfectly sane, knowing I would lose my family, my wife, and my account will be depleted. Why would I commit that act? If I'm the President of the United States, smart man, powerful, and always being watch, why would I do it? If I was married 20 years strong, why would I do it? I plead insanity .... I was not thinking, incapable at the time

Comment by Sophie on July 19, 2010 at 11:22pm

You are speaking of the "What if's" and "possibilities" but your actions were that you did not act on it. Sure another woman would flirt, smile, and make you feel real good and possibly fantasize about exploring this fascinating stranger. She is the temptation and the weakness men are presented with. With that being said, it takes time, effort, and communication with your spouse, mate, or loved one about what direction you want to continue in. It's either fight till the end or just end it. There's no justification for hurting someone you love. There should be no excuse, no title, no category. Own up to the responsibility and commitment that you have and hold yourself accountable. It's only fair.

Comment by Merge By on July 19, 2010 at 10:28pm

"The same self restraint that you showed by not jumping on his hot, sexy ass best friend" It's not that, it would be at a moment of weakness, vulnerability. Example, I was in Home Depot and the cashier was looking straight in my eyes while smiling while talking to me. Even after I said have a nice day, I look back and she was still smiling and looking at me. I appreciated the flirting, I think it was flirting, this do not happen often but I'm sure it was. Anyway I enjoyed it and kept it moving. If I was in that dark place, my wife pissed me off, If I haven't had sex in a month. Maybe my reaction would have been different. Maybe not cheat, but to entertain it further.